Tears for a Dog

 

February 25, 2020

 

I did not expect you today.  Stirrings of coffee, of clocks and machines, of hastening demands drawing nearer the doorway; yet one mis-click and you are there on my screen, my old companion now spirited out of reach, and yet you have come to remind me.

I did not expect you today.  Your form was not your own but the shared image of a friend’s grief, your deep round eyes mirrored in an unfamiliar coat yet somehow the same, full of adoration and longing for a touch.  Pleading for an embrace.

I did not expect you today.  But a spring bursts forth from within, tears for a dog I didn’t even know, as I struggle with your absence once more.  A silent heave.  An insuppressible sob.  Nothing is left to contain the pain.  It has been months, even years, but now it is yesterday.  It is only a moment ago.  The unbounded energy you gave of yourself in youth, the infectious peace you imparted in your settled age, and the unceasing love you granted us throughout is with me again, yet just beyond reach… it is a hole unfilled and no photograph can cover it. 

The strength of this bond cannot be articulated, cannot be fully understood.  Perhaps it is your ever-present simplicity and sincerity, or perhaps your clarifying reflection of what we wish ourselves to be.  In your heart there is boundless capacity for joy; in you there is no malice, only bliss.  There is no regret, only anticipation.  There is no despair, only ebullience.  There is only hope.  Only love. 

My friend shares his grief on a scattered map of timelines, but does he truly understand what he shares?  Does he know how many grieve for him and with him as well, and that it – somehow – is a gift?  The lives of those with whom we weep are forever altered, forever separated from those who do not.  Which of you sheds no tears?  Our loyal friends now gone are that which is truly best in us, that which shines so bright in some, yet lies still buried within so many.  The embrace of a paw, the nose on a shoulder, the tail incessant, these bind us and stand us apart from those who will not feel, from those who will not wrap their arms around one so helpless, so trusting, so devoted.  From those who will not wrap their arms around one another.   

There is no choice here; I embracing the grief we share together, yet alone, reminds me of you and of the people you would want us to be.

I did not expect you today.  But on that cold winter morning as I stood at the bridge and watched you go, I knew you’d never wander far.